Feet and daffodils

Feet, were the only thing my eyes saw. I couldn’t look around, i couldn’t move my head. The smell of their scents and sweat combined together,shoulders, toes and feet everywhere..

I was in the middle of the city, crowded and lonely

I was holding my basket, pushed around, admiring my daffodils, putting them in different orders.

Nobody is looking! I change their order, I make them look more interesting

Feet, shoulders, ugly scents, a lot of murmuring, several eyes and severe blindness

I keep walking around the city, No body saw my daffodils, nobody cares about my basket.

“She’s more metaphor than human”

I turned around , looking left and right in a dire need to grab this voice, and this mouth and drink those words!

There he was, standing in the crowd, with a bare feet, decent scent and untied lips

“Do you know me sir?” I said quietly

“More than you know yourself” he said confidently

I couldn’t reach him, there were layers of people between us, pushing me and my basket and stepping on my feet..

I tried to reach out to him, and to my quite severe astonishment he was doing the same..

“Who are you without your contradictions” he said

“Sometimes you’re black and you mean it, sometimes you’re white and you’re honest”

He continued

“You are a queen and a host of a garden full of daffodils”

My heart lost a beat, my eyes were wide open

“Do you really know me sir?” I asked honestly this time

“And despite owning a garden of daffodils sometimes you buy a bunch of eggs”

He continued

“Why do you settle for so little ?”

My daffodils fell in a mess in my basket, they were no more in order

“Beautiful daffodils!” He said

I smiled “ you’re the first one to notice them”

He smiled

I look at people’s feet filling the floor, I reached the man and I was now standing in front of a person who can finally see my daffodils..

“Tell me then, why am I here today?” I asked

“Looking for softness” he said

I smiled, he seemed like a smart man, confident, and mad

“Can I have one?” He pointed on my daffodils

“Yeah Ofcourse” I have give him one

“You just need someone to take care of your daffodils”

He said

I knew his words were all right, yet still I knew that I knew him very well, just couldn’t confess it to my being

“Who are you sir?”

He smiled, he knew I was by this moment in complete awareness of who he is, getting out in the city, holding my daffodils, looking for softness

“You know that you can always find it here, where I am”

He said

“You just couldn’t come here anymore, it’s not where you belong

“Why couldn’t you come with me to the land of daffodils?” i asked him

He didn’t answer, all the feet that was around me was pushing me away, and the shoulders have punched miles me away from him

And those scents were gone..

and for the first time of my life, I didn’t have to put my daffodils in order..

And here I am, away from the feet, the murmuring, the shoulders the ugly scents

And him..

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Paper ships

It’s not a myth that there are monsters living around us. Nadia always believed that

Sitting on the side bank of the river that had no one but us.

Nadia was obsessed by papers and crayons, she has always been a kinesthetic person.

“I love paper ships” she says

I was not watching though, In fact I did so many paper ships with her, but I didn’t utter a word.

She smiles pretending she doesn’t hear my inner voice. her eyes were brown, the sun was hitting through them, leaving them much crystal brown at this moment, there was more soul in her eyes than there was any sight.

“In silence you’re still poetic you know” she says

I smile back quite faster than a dart that she never attempts to catch

Nadia knew what I was made of

Crayons everywhere, and one color from each

She seemed to enjoy the view and shocked with what I had to say suddenly..

“I snapped all of the crayons in half so you could colour too”

Nadia knew I loved sharing everything, even if sometimes I pretend am so much fond by being alone, she knew I always wished to have her peace of mind, the one very precious thing I never had..

Nadia said I should write the names of all the things I want to let go on every paper ship

I look at the river, flowing viciously.. waiting for no one, unstoppable.. making no apologies for streaming endlessly

It was nature that ought to cope around it..

Nadia knew it took me a massive violence to look that gentle. She knew I had been playing symphonies and pouring medicines into my being

This beauty, the sun, the fresh air and the darting river, I think it’s comfortable in a terrible way..

Nadia says it’s not a myth that there are monsters living around us, some of them change us into the monsters they are, others change us into the monsters we are…

In all forms some live an internal immortality fighting the monsters within…

Others die in battles giving up to the monsters inside of them

as for me, I wrote their names on paper ships, I’ll let them go..

I carry all those paper ships after I wrote the names, it was shocking how heavy they were in my heart and how light they were in my naked palms..

Nadia holds my hand, she squeezes it.. I wasn’t scared, I think people get scared because they think with their hearts; as for me I haven’t given my being any thought..

I put each ship and watch it flout on the surface of the water, leaving us behind, leaving us weightless, getting smaller in my eyes and smaller in my heart.. one after the other they go, behind each other they disappear…

most of my life I’ve been trying to find the right words, as for now; am trying to find the right silences

Nadia knew I was empty of monsters at this moment, she knew I was scared to death any of them would come back into my chest..

Nadia gave me half a hug, and we walked away..

“I don’t want to lose my way again, I didn’t like it there..”

I broke the silence

Deep deep wells

I look at my blue hand, and then I rub them together until they become a little red again. I hold the glass basket that stood right next to me on the bench. Swinging my legs back and force.

There lied the water under my feet, the water was silver blue, nippy and deep

The morning suddenly broke in, the weather was getting colder.

“I think it would be lovely to hold your hand now and go for a walk to look at the lights” said a voice from beneath me but I didn’t bother

I held the goods in my glass basket, looked at each piece very closely with my eyes, nearly blinded with my heart.

Splash! Goes one of them in the water, that must be an accident… splash goes another one.

“That time it was on purpose” said the same voice

I close my eyes. My cheeks and nose were making love with the weather.

My toes are blue and naked, and even though I didn’t see them, I knew they were wounded and bleeding

“Wildflowers are growing from her cuts” the voice keeps murmuring

The process keeps going, holding one of my trophies and throwing it in the deep well

“You can never get them back” the voice warns me

I smile, a long deep smile… this basket has weigh me so much along the journey I almost believed it was me who was actually heavy

Do you really think am going to regret letting it all go?

One of them hits my wounded feet while being dropped, I feel the pain this time,but I soak my tears inside

I smile again..

I have been arranging my feathers for a flight

I look closely at the trees, watching the leaves turn into birds. The water still and steady

I have always been someone who sees with more than my eyes.

The basket is empty now!

All the weight that was keeping me down is finally gone

I crumble my myself until feet was under my palms.

The sun was finally rising, I look at the light coming out of the horizon, my eyes closed and bothered

And I was cut, exhausted, tired, free and happy

I accidentally see myself in the reflection of the water, so I drop my basket and it breaks into million pieces.

I have not seen myself for long, I forgotten what I have become

“there’s a forrest in your chest my dear”

The voice keeps saying

“There’s a heaven in your heart”

My wings stretch, my legs are above the surface of the water…my finger touches the water, it ain’t cold anymore!

I fly….

I rise up like a phenix, i rise from my own ashes swimming towards the horizon

“I was a lost being, looking for you elsewhere”

I keep murmuring

“I think it would be lovely to hold your hand now and go for a walk to look at the lights” I told myself again

Roses on my surface and Rainbow in my mouth

I am an exposed nerve. a nerve’s job is to feel. I feel everything. If a drop of water falls in the ocean, I can still manage a plus in the weight. I feel before feelings hit me like darts and when they do, I know how to feel a feeling that I have already felt.
I crumble sometimes. I try to draw roses on my surface and color my mouth rainbows. But most of the time my mouth has the wrong font for my words. Most of the time people see the wrong colors.
I put a cup under the wound, drops falling one after the other, as if like a broken sink. I bleed in way where there is no blood. Just a leak of poison running in my veins.
“Enough you’re making a loud noise” said Safeya while reading a book and she didn’t even look at me
I look at her in silence, I didn’t utter a word nor did I even move

“I want to read in silence” she said again

Today she decided we could have a quite day at the beach. i didn’t mind though
I look at the skies and I close my eyes, my heart was racing because from the inside I was always chasing myself. I became intolerable to my own self. At times I cannot befriend my own soul, my arms are not so opened for my own being.
And it’s just another magical day to overdose on whys!!

Safeya shuts the book in a loud noise and looks at me. I get frightened for a second and I look her in the eyes. She looked frustrated by me and sharp right into my eyes.

” stand up please” she said in a bossy way while standing up

But I didn’t stand I kept looking at her

“Okay then stay here as you like, Ill have a walk on the beach” and she left

My head was loud today, And my lips were out of gas. I had no words to share. I close my eyes again and I fall asleep.

I was poked in my arm several times before I realized it was Safeya sitting next to me with a huge smile on her face. I open my eyes slowly, and then I smile.

She took my hands, both of them. In one of them she placed a huge big shell that has wholes and pointy edges. And in the other hand she put several small stones, one of them was purple. The other one was orange in white, another was blue and the last one was soft and red. They where so beautiful I kept in focus with this hand more.
“Look at the left hand first” she said while smiling
So I looked at the big stone that has pointy edges

“This is how you see yourself” My eyes got wide and desperate

“You see your self as one huge ugly thing from the inside, you see all the bad things, all your wholes and all your pointy edges”

And then she held my right hand and smiled a sweet tender smile

“And this is how I see you”

She continued

“Allot of different beautiful things, each one of them is unique in it’s own way”
I look at the stones, different colors, each one of them is beautiful in a way.
And the she continues
” and they are all you”

they say healers are givers, they say healers are advisors, but I say not.
I say healers are warriors, they save you from your own self. Once they squeeze the sponge, only pure water pours.

But I felt it, the colors in the stones are the colors I color my surface every minute, rainbows on my mouth are not a myth. I must stop cutting my own self, cause I feel it. I am an exposed nerve. and a nerves job is to feel. I feel everything.

When they asked me why am I covering my head (Hijab)

When they asked me why I am covering my head, I looked at the mirror, and I laughed! When they ASKED me WHY I am covering my head, I had to put myself their shoes first before I answer, and I look at myself in the mirror!
Okay, let’s take it slowly.. I-am-not-covering-my-head

In fact, if you look closely, if you speak to me, if you got this moment to listen to MY MIND, you will discover that I am actually exposing my head.

When they Asked me, why am I Covering my head, I answer; Am NOT covering my head am covering my beauty. For as you see in my beautiful religion (Islam) God wants us muslim woman to be appreciated and loved rather for our souls, and minds than our outer beauty. In the Quran, God says, “And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms…” (24:31).
Because we ALL strive for excessive attention: Half of the women, spend ALLOT of money and effort, trying to beautify themselves to be socially accepted and loved. The other half spend the SAME money and effort because it’s a normal need for a girl to want to look beautiful.
Am telling you today, Enough covering your heads with their IDEA of beauty. Set yourself free, make them look at you for YOU. In islam, God did not forbid you to be beautiful, or have this need, but cover this beauty for the one and only person who deserves it.

When they ask me this time okay, why are you covering your beauty, I will answer them; I want to please and follow the command of ALLAH and Because-I-want-to-matter-for-who-I-am
Many people mistakenly believe that muslim women are forced to wear their hijab. Wearing hijab is a personal and independent decision, and it’s a command from God to protect us.

WE DO NOT FEEL OPPRESSED as many of you think

In Fact we actually feel FREE.

As you wear the right hijab (may God bless all the muslim girls with it) you can walk and feel finally not judged and respected
I recall you today because I want to tell you, you have played enough! You don’t have to compete with those beautiful girls anymore. Set yourself free from society. Take a step ahead and start working on WHO YOU ARE! Build yourself up, help others build themselves up. Be someone in this society who benefits others. And when they ask you why are you covering your head? Tell them that you’re FINALLY EXPOSING it.

The door I closed a thousand times 

I like to walk and clean those doors with my hands. I find it a relief when I reach the last door and look at my fingers, they became grey. I do this every single day. I smile when I look at my hands, I rub it in my cloth and walk away from those doors. 

“You can wash your hand” my little sister said in disgust 

“But that’s a proof ” said omar my younger brother 

I smile, and breath slowly, and look at him long enough to thank him with my eyes. he always gets me. 

Shivers, footsteps, getting closer and closer. I feel a hand sliding down. Shivers again, a theif in the house. I buckle up some sences, what’s going on? Let those devils get out of your mouth, before mine get to me again!.. Again? Not again!!!!! Shivers, intense shiverssssss 

I open my eyes

“A DOOR HAS BEEN OPENED!” Screamed omar in my face

“What????” I screamed and threw the blanket to the air.

I ran one bullet to the hall, and another to the doors. I saw a man, he didn’t look like a theif, however I didn’t give myself any chances to think clearly, I saw the lock in his hands and dust flying in the air and an opened door!

“What are you doing no!!!” I jumped and pushed to door to close, but the light and the other side of the door was glimmering in my eyes. I closed my eyes and kept pushing the door but it wouldn’t close. 

I gave up!

I look at him with my the naked eyes “why did you open this door?” 

He looked like a egoistic man. “You did!” He said while resting one leg on the wall and the other was keeping him in balance. 

“I didn’t do anything, I was sleeping and I woke up to this!!” 

He lights up a Cigarette and he took at  first his intimate moment with it before he answerd. He blews and smoke the other way and then he looks me in the eyes and decides to finally speak. 

“Why are closing those doors?” He asked

I looked at him with anger and I opened my mouth and crumbled my nose and put my head to a side

He coughs and says

“I mean, I was walking by, and I found all these doors closed, with huge and strong locks, are you afraid of something behind them?” 

It hits me, but I let it through 

“It’s non of your bussiness” I say 

Butterflies started getting inside the room from the door that has been opened.

“Hey! Look all those beautiful butterflies” said omar while jumping to reach any of them 

I watch omar facinated with the butterflies and the strange man having his moment with his cigarette. I feel very frustrated. 

I put of two hands this time ” could you please close this door?!” I ask desperately. 

“But why would you close it sister, I can see there are beautiful things on the other side of the door” omar says while running behind the butterflies 

“There are bees too” I say

And they sting” I continue  
Omar doesn’t listen, he loses himself in colors and wings. I closed my eyes, I had a decent moment of feathers and spirits. The poisoned euphoric blood has pumpped in streems down my viens again. 

I have been a part-time wronger, and all I wanted to be was a full-time righter  

I pull over to Omar, closer to my chest. I hug him tightly. I let him rest for a while to forget the butterflies. I stood for a moment, my eyes running between the doors, the man and my brother 

I look at those butterflies, how they give air a soul again. They told me a heart is roughly a size of a fist, I just never thought it would act like one. 

Blue-berries growing on a dead tree

I shut my eyes again, I shut them tightly than the time before. I don’t want to dream again. I throw one lonely leg out of the blanket. I shut my eyes and sew them together. 
I knew I wasn’t going to make it. 
As I walk down the halls I see water slipping down the floor. I remember, I punched the bucket down the floor with my own feet. I fall in distress again. 
I mop the floor, and my tears; a hand mopping beneath and a hand mopping my eyes. Am not sure what to do about all those secrets swimming between my teeth.

Suddenly there was a symphony, that ran through my ears, down my soul. I remove the curtains between the hall and the living room. I knew it was her. 
“Are you still awake?” She asked while her three fingers fell off the piano, yet she didn’t look my side 

I hesitated and closed the curtain and gave my back to it. I remember my blueberry tree, standing outside this living room, down our garden, dying of thirst, yearning of hunger. In a state on extreme anxiety to be heard, yet I no longer want to water it.
Grandmother starts to play piano again. 

“Why Are you still awake” I ask her as I open the curtains again. I really didn’t care about her answer I just couldn’t hear the music again. 

This time she looks at me and smiles, and points to the chair next to her 

“Have a seat”

I walk slowly until I reach her and I sit right next to her. I put my fingers on the piano and then I look at her, her smile keeps being constant 
“Sweaty, what is the only thing that everyone believes in?” She asked 
I had to think deeply, look around and put my hand under my chin. 
“God?” I said 

“No, some people don’t believe in God” 
I wonder again after the sudden shock..
“Love?” I continued 

“No my dear, some people don’t believe in love” 
I had to squash the bones in my mind, what could ever be the answer to this question and what did it have to do with this present moment! 
“I didn’t clean up your mess, I wanted you to clean it up yourself” she said 
“What is the answer?” I said in consistency
“What are you doing to this blueberry tree?” She asked 

I didn’t want to answer, I didn’t want to speak about this tree at all, so I remained silent

“Why did you stop watering it from the first place? And then why did you start watering it again, and why are you resisting your need of watering it?”

First I was in denial, then in love, eventually stubborn
, I thought to myself
I felt extremely suffocating from these questions! I will never answer!

I stood up and gave her my back but she held my hand tightly… 
Death” 
I look at her, our eyes touch for a second, I saw my tears in the mirror of her eyes 

I look from the window and I manage to see the tree, and despite the fact that I close the curtains, I saw it very clearly. It will always lie there a part of my home. 
“You can stop watering it as you want,you can make it the weakest part of this place also” and then she went silent for a moment 

But you will never manage to remove it” 

I cross my eyes and bite my lips, I look at my grandmother, she went from wise to emotional in a second and then back to her world in a glimpse of an eye. 
She puts her fingers on the keys of the piano and she starts playing again. A symphony that will slither a bunch of monsters down the bottom of my stomach. And then a stream of ripped thoughts! 
“Blueberries, growing on a dead tree” she says 

A million colors were I had to chose one 

I will never forget this moment, this moment were my feelings were spilling into million colors. Despite all those colors I had to choose only one. There were monsters getting out of my heart, yet angles getting out of my mouth. I didn’t use masks anymore, to protect my heart. Instead, I used a basket, , a huge one. I decided to get up a balloon. An air balloon of course. Donia stands beside me and she looks around at the tower, a huge tower. Above there’s a huge chair where  an egoistic pharaoh sits

“Do you remember him?” Donia asked me. I kept looking at him for a long while. The sun was touching my skin and the air was playing with my hair. “No” 

yet I kept my eyes on him. Donia was wearing a white dress and was putting her hair in one ribbon. I was making sure the air balloon was ready for me to leave.

“do you need a soft place for landing?” she asked. I actually haven’t thought of landing at all.

I was too focused, yet Donia was too distracted with this stupid pharaoh. “hey, let’s check what he’s doing” said Donia. I looked at her with sharp eyes.

“I’d rather starve than feed the beast” I smiled, A heartless smile.

Donia would look at me for hours, thinking I got no blood in my veins anymore, all she understood was that I was in a dire need to leave this place. What she never understood was that my soul has left this place already long before this moment. It was time for my body to finally follow.

“seems like you hear nothing” she said

“Is there a noise?” I said while focusing on the air balloon

“yeah the pharaoh, he is taking your field” she said

There was no amount of silence enough to convince her that there’s a black hole in my heart where I left my flowers

The sun was setting and I pointed to it and said “ Look at the horizon Donia, there’s a sunflower field waiting for us to dance”

Suddenly their noise was heard by my heart and not only my ears, that I started slightly to be a little bit irritated, yet I haven’t showed a broken bone

She looked disappointed “they are pointing fingers at you, the pharaoh, he let them point fingers at you” she was terrified

“he can never take anything that is mine, what is mine will eventually come back to me” I mentioned to Donia in a serious tone.

The air balloon was ready; I have spent a lifetime waiting for this moment. There were allot of hands holding me from this, this moment. There were allot of feelings spilling into a million colors, I used to be extremely distracted. I thought all those colors were to make my soul beautiful. My soul was beautiful with or without those colors. Those colors were not to define who I am. As for this moment I have really let myself go.

Before I had to set the air balloon free, Donia held my hand. “don’t leave me! Here is your home” I smile again. I look at the field, the roses, the glimmer trees, I look at my scars the ones I have planted right next to those oak trees. And then the pharaoh, my eyes admire him, he was so beautiful, the kind of beauty that consumes and never builds. I keep looking at their dirty fingers and then I look at the clouds. I know I had to set myself free, closer to the clouds and merely closer to the skies.

“I have lost count of all the ways I have died here” I set Donia’s hand off my air balloon.

As I flew in the emptiness of simple air, I have finally gone from nothingness to something. Finally the air could manage to fly into my lungs. I look from up there, Donia looked very small from up there, the fields of roses and trees were no longer in my heart. I expand my arms and I set my hair to the wind. And the pharaoh who was standing upon a tower thinking that was the highest of all places, is now below me.

For this plain moment, I was a queen for that matter. My soul has finally found wings and my heart declared a glory. I look up to the skies, and the more I get higher and higher, things beneath me look smaller and smaller. I will never forget this moment, were I didn’t use masks anymore. this moment were my feelings were spilling into million colors. Despite all those colors I had to choose only one.

And I chose one…

They asked what was the best day of your life? 

I was asked, what was the best day of your life? I had a moment to think why was the question in the past tense while my answer was actually in the future tense. And again I put it correctly in my mind first before I have to answer. “What will be the best day of your life?” 

My life? Which life I think to myself? Because to my own knowledge this is NOT my life. I know you are confused, let me simplify those words of mine for you again. 

I was asked what WAS the best day of your life? My answer is, the best day of my life; hasn’t come yet! That’s why I changed the tense in my mind. So that means the best day of your life is still in the future? I tell them yes! 

Am I actaully aware of this day? And how do I actually know it’s going to be the best day of my life?. Back to the word “my life”  this worldly life, is NOT my life. My actual life is in the hereafter, in jannah. Let us change the question again. 

What IS the best day of your Dunya? My answer is, yeah indeed I have one, or maybe several ones, but to be clearer with you; I don’t want to be busy making best days out of Dunya, for this Dunya is NOT my life. Today, I just want to make sure I make the very best out of this test. in this Dunya I will be working for the best day of my life.  The up coming life, the immortal life of endless euphoric pleasures. The day I stand in front of the enormous door of jannah waiting, hungry for those doors to open. And this moment, this enchanted moment when those to doors open, is the BEST day of my life. 

So let me correct you again, there must be days were I was really happy, some of them were great indeed and will never be forgotten. But if you ask me sincerely what WAS the best day of your life? I’ll answer you and tell you, it hasn’t come yet :’) 

A far away place called;  peace 

It was gloomy, extremely gloomy. The sky was never that dark before, each time it got darker, Safeya thought it was the darkest of all times. The sky was deceiving tricking Safeya that this was the dimmest each time she looks up, but it wasn’t, today it is indeed extremely gloomy. 

“Enough Enoughhh!!” Said Safeya while she was putting her both hands on her ears and shutting her eyelids so tight 

Ghalia on the other hand, was siting in front of her canvas, holding her brush which was full of paint 

The moment a bomb falls and they hear the killing sound Safeya goes on 

“ENOUGH ENOUGH, I just can’t take in anymore” 

Ghalia didn’t turn around, she kept painting. 

“I can hear the bombing Safeya, I am just choosing not to realize it” Ghalia said while being in focus with what she’s doing 

A tear falls from Safeya’s beautiful pure eyes and then she utters 

“And how do you do that Ghalia” 

She didn’t answer! Instead she kept painting. 

The bombing was not stopping, Safeya on the other hand started crying 

“Safeya, your moaning is really annoying” said Ghalia 

Safeya was surprised, how could Ghalia be at peace with the bombing and irritated by her moaning. 

Safeya looked around, down the destroyed horizon “I did my best you know, I hid all the weapons, I broke all the guns, but yet still…. It never comes, it never does!” 

Safeya was in despair, she puts her two thighs near her chest and crawls her arms around her legs and puts her chin on her knees. She starts crying in silence. 

“Why are you crying in silence?” 

“Because you hate my moaning” Safeya said in a calm disgusted way 

Ghalia turned around and said ” come here” she stood up and held Safeya from the back and then she pointed to the horizon 

“Look at this mess, look at this endless war, no matter what you do, no matter how much you suffer to have peace, you never ever seem to click with it my dear. why do you keep your eyes there? I don’t hate your tears Safeya, I hate your pain”
Safeya’s tears were all over Ghalia’s selves. Ghalia held Safeya much tighter she leaned her head on her shoulder

“Don’t look at this place anymore, the bombing will never end there, don’t hide the weapons, don’t break the guns, let whatever it is be what it wants to be” 
Safeya opens her eyes, sheds her tears with her fingers. “What are you painting?” 

Ghalia smiled and looked at Safeya 
“What do you think it is?”

Safeya looked closer and closer, she lost her self in the image that she heard nothing of the bombing that was getting even higher. 

“Safeya, you can’t hear the bombing?” Asked Ghalia 

“It looks like… Like a far away place” said Safeya with a calm smile 

And then she continued 

“The doves, the pink bluish sky. The sun setting in harmony. There is no sound, there is no bombing, no weapons and no guns, the sky is not gloomy, the sky is clear, very clear” said Safeya  

She touched the canvas while her tears were vanishing away through her skin and her smile was rising upon her face 

“It is indeed a far away place, called peace”