Once upon time; there were claws

My toes were so clear in the water, I move them slowly and watch the water shine silver gold.

The river was running calm and quietly.

I look at my back I watch my two doves waving their wings back and forth.

(They smile when I look at them)

Even-though the scene was quite the screams were running with naked muddy feet in my head

One of them flies along to the bank next to me, she drinks from the silver gold water and then smiles at me again

(It was calm) but my toes were hungry for quite more

I remember when they both lie next to me and I start talking fireworks, rainbows and sugars

(Their eyes were dimmed ,am talking fireworks, did they go deaf?)

Let me tell you a story; of claws

Once upon time 4 legs of claws happened in my meadow

(Although) ; it happened in my meadow, the tiger still thinks I have built a boat for them to cross my river.

Sometimes I think it was the cause of us both (Equally)

Since the claws have entered my meadow

There were animals, white and shinny animals, they were eaten

Far along I see the stomach of the tiger getting bigger, and my meadow was getting smaller

(It’s a curse you know, giving too much thinking it makes you a good person)

Once you feed them your best; the starvation is never over until they finish your meadow

I used the blood, I started writing on trees

Once upon time, there were screams here but they’re gone

Once upon time; the screams are gone

Can you hear me? I ask my self

I can feel the taste of each animal between the teeth of those claws being eaten

I can feel my meadow getting tighter and tighter

I put of my hands on it’s stomach, it makes me happy to see the tiger full

(It comes for more) it comes with a price

I have more” I say

I use the blood, I write on the grass, the trees

Once upon time; there were screams here

But they’re gone

I hear my animals screaming, I look back

Where are the doves?

Where is the calm?

My biggest epiphany was the river, turning from silver gold to red

Dead animals all over the bank

(My obsession with ink blood is my curse)

There were new screams

Lesson number one: screams don’t heal screams

Lesson number two: calm and blood are parallel

Lesson number three: creatures that enter your meadow should be safe

Lesson number four: doves are enough

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The square of unicorns

It was a square you know, just a block of square this time, it wasn’t a knife, it wasn’t a deep well.

This time compared to all the times it was a square, just a block of square.

“Give me your hand” she squeezed it.

Am I supposed to feel safe for a second?

Just a a tiny second? i ask my myself

“Look” she points on a portrait, still squeezing my hand.

I hesitate and ask “is this a story?”

She nods

“Let me take you to each edge, give you oneness with the taste of colors, make them merge into your blood”

I listen..

I unplug my deaf ears and listen.

unicorns she says, “are mythical creatures” but in this block of square of hers they were very real

On some moments we’d ride them together fly in the horizons

“Let’s walk in the dirt” she says

Making foot steps everywhere we step

“Get out your colors, all of them” she says

“But I can’t put them in order” I claim

“I like them scrabbled more” she smiles

We reach each edge of this square, sometimes our wondering poured us right to the pointy edges were we both repelled

(I pull off my hand aggressively)

“Look” I say in strength and weakness all at once.

“This is my hand, I have no fingers, I had to watch them being cut one after the other silently”

The people outside of the square keep telling me they’re JUST fingers, you haven’t lost a limb.

But here, in this square she has told me stories of unicorns and horizons

And sometimes the portraits were war and red and swords

“Can I hold your hand?” She asks

“No” I say

(Yes) I wish

I step out of the square, I look at my lost fingers, ain’t those portraits giving me anything back. Suddenly it’s a cage again, But I have lost the smell of bars and the coldness of the floor.

I put one foot in the square and one foot out

I can still see the unicorns when am not holding her hand, I can still feel the swords in my chest, the color red is still stained on my cloth

“Let me tell you a story” she says

“Sit on the edge” she says

But she doesn’t hold my hand

“Unicorns are real” she says

i smile

(I love her stories)

They carry me away

سكون مزعج

سكون مزعج

اقف انا و كل الشخاص الذين يعيشون بداخلي

كان دائماً ما يكون في احد فينا يملكنا جميعًا

و لاول مرة لا احد فينا يتكلم

يقف كل شخصًا مزعج فينا في هدوء موتر

هدوء مزعج

نتخبط في صخور واحدًا منا تلو الآخر

لا يتحرك منا احد

و تجري اعيننا من بعضنا بعضًا

و لا نستطيع ان نلمس أيد بعضنا الآخر

بعدًا مزعج

و ربما يحاول أحدً منا فتح فم الآخر بأقصى جهده

و لكن يبقى فمه مغلق بمفتاح رحل في وقتًا لا اعرف متى بالضبط

و لربما يشعر بعضنا بالشوك القديم الذي كان يزعج سكون كل نهرًا فينا

و يطفء كل نور

و لاكن لا يصرخ منا احد

و كان من العادي ان يهرب بعضنا إلى العالم الموازي

الذي فيه كل السكون

و لكن الآن نهرب كلنا إلى هذا عالم و لا يعترض منا احد على هذا السكون الذي يلعب في تفريغ كل احدًا فينا

و لا يعترض احد

و كأننا في هذا الهدوء المزعج شخص واحد

لا يتكلم

في سكون مزعج

A heart so big

You stretch your wide wings

Hugging the horizons, warmth

I look at your mighty insides

(How can a heart be so big)

I can hear the spoons dizzying tender

I see your fingers tying ribbons for others

I smell the water you pour them

I wonder how strong your muscles must be

But you fly with bravery

Hugging the horizons, warmth

I look at your mighty insides

(How can a heart be so big)

Marvelous

It was a marvelous stay

You’ve been here, a guest

You’ve been there, an island

Far deep, a dot, a rescuing boat

(It’s been a marvelous stay)

You’ve been mind easing

You’ve been indeed the gigantic elephant in the room

Sucking every ounce of oxygen in my naked lungs

It’s been a marvelous stay, you know

Very marvelous..

You’ve been here, a hand on my soul

You’ve been there, running in my mind with your bumbling heels

A cracking buzz of stinging bees

(At times you’re a sunset)

Red purple sun rays in my veins

An island, a dot in the dreadful sea

Hugging my cells numb

Sewing my thoughts

You’ve been an island

A dot in my miserable dreadful sea

Hands to stomach on you

Legs loose in the dread

I cannot leen

I cannot land

But it was a marvelous stay

Very marvelous..

Slippery slope

Tuesday;2019

I still have bruises on my fingers, I still look at my veins; wholes like empty rivers.

I can still hear the birds flying away slowly building new nests away from my field

And I wonder, why those nests are no longer here on those trees I built with my own being

I have purple blue bruises on my fingers, those veins they look like empty rivers.

It was a rainbow rubber-band between us, there you stood holding it loosely while I held it strong.

I wave my hands, you smile

I figure out you’re just preparing yourself to hold it more tightly

But you don’t!!

And i tell myself “don’t scream”

Don’t scream!

I held a rock, I throw it at you

You notice!!!!

Your Cotton candy words were stuffed in my ears with your bare fingers

You smile!

My blood is all bottled up between my fingers

I cannot hold still no more

You say it’s a (slippery slope)

So I SCREAM!

(Fear is a beast that feeds on attention)

You’re disturbed

YOU WERE actually disturbed

So you set the rubber band free……..

I still have a map on my skin to every time I lost it all

I screamed.

I actually screamed!!!

hearing those words with my ears telling me set those strings free

and I hear them suddenly stinging me in my own naked skin; set free

set free..

Ain’t this understanding for you?

Look at my wet boot

Ain’t they look drowsy

Look at my skeleton

Am dusty..

Every drop has touched my flesh

Wait..

You tell me I was not understanding

My ears are in pain

Give me your hands..

Let’s go to a grave yard

Is this your knife?

You nod..

I hand you each part of myself

This is my arm, this is my leg, this is my head

Your eyes are running away from me

Wait..

I stab those arms and pour my blood in cups

Ain’t this enough understanding for you?

You dig a hole in the grave yard, you sleep in it and you say “this is where I was all along, can you hear me?”

I look at my boots, I look at my skull

they’re so very wet

THEY hear you!!

My pants is all mud cause I kneel down to land you a hand

And you say “you’re hands are slippery”

Wait..

I got my hands bruised trying to dry them

Ain’t this understanding?

You make your hands filled with mud and you blind your own eyes

And you say “see am blind”

I look at the sky, still puking water on us

And you say “this is my fate”

Here goes a piece of mycut pullover down your eyes

I wash

And wash..

Are they hurting?

Ain’t this understanding for you?

You say you need space

I take a step backwards and;

So along I pack up my selfs and we leave this rotten, smelly grave yard

My nose stuck in the glass window

Again..

watching you lay in that hole

once more..

I have been here….

I have been here (under) the rain long enough (standing)..

waiting..

And

waiting..

Ain’t this (under)Standing for you?

I’d be still

I’d be still” you utter

But remember our braids were tangled zippers

Moving together like wheels

“The fallen rock has bruised me too” i said

But why is it that you were nailed to the ground

“Was this rock a hammer? ” i ask

Some thing has sewed your lips

But you’d say; I’d be still

I’d be still”

I try to pull you

You stare in despair

“Those are my roots” you say

(I wonder when did you become a tree)

I revere your stillness and question it

“How can you root here in infinity?” i ask

And it suffocates me to be static

Like solitary solider

But you’d keep saying; I’d be still, I’d be still

I am not..

“Is this an axe in your hands” you ask me thrilled

‘I would have carried you on my back’. I thought

And I stood there like a bird knowing that trees won’t fly

Upon those stubborn branches I stand

“And I can never be rooted”

The tree says: set you free, set you free

I’d be still

I’d be still.

Ain’t this understanding

Look at my wet boot

Ain’t they look drowsy

Look at my skeleton

Am dusty..

Every drop has touched my flesh

Wait..

You tell me I was not understanding

My ears are in pain

Give me your hands..

Let’s go to a grave yard

Is this your knife?

You nod..

I hand you each part of myself

This is my arm, this is my leg, this is my head

Your eyes are running away from me

Wait..

I stab those arms and pour my blood in cups

Ain’t this enough understanding for you?

You dig a hole in the grave yard, you sleep in it and you say “this is where I was all along, can you hear me?”

I look at my boots, I look at my skull

they’re so very wet

THEY hear you!!

My pants is all mud cause I kneel down to land you a hand

And you say “you’re hands are slippery”

Wait..

I got my hands bruised trying to dry them

Ain’t this understanding?

You make your hands filled with mud and you blind your own eyes

And you say “see, am blind”

I look at the sky, still puking on us

And you say “this is my fate”

Here goes a piece of my cut pullover down your eyes

I wash

And wash..

Are they hurting?

Ain’t this understanding for you?

Wait..

You say you need space

I take a step back and;

So along I pack up my selfs and we leave this rotten, smelly grave yard

My nose stuck in the glass window

Again..

watching you lay in that hole

once more..

I have been here….

I have been here (under) the rain long enough (standing)..

waiting..

And

waiting..

Ain’t this (under)Standing for you?

I wasn’t always found

I want you to know that I wasn’t always found

That somedays I was so lost That i made the people around me confused

I want you to know that someday’s were so heavy I had to carry nearly killing mountains to move forward

That some days I had to slay my own skin off my bones to add tools for the road

I had to wave my five fingers and naked palms to trees rooted in the grand soil of my soul

I want you to know that I don’t hold my victory all the time, and some days my knees are scratched with scars for simply falling like normal humans

That at moments I carry all my organs on my back, feet, arm, chest and HEART, and I pretend I ain’t no sweating

I want to you to know that I hold the hands of my own monsters, I befriend them, seat them, pretend to smile in their faces, act that my eyes isn’t half of the time touching their claws

And some days I have to stand and take my breath so quickly my chest takes two steps before me

I want to understand that am trying, am trying my very best, even-though it’s not enough sometimes